What I can tell you is this: Being a mother of an almost 3 year old and a newly-turned 1 year old while having a 24/7 full-time job is hard. It is exhausting, it is endless, and it feels like you are failing at everything. That being said, being the same mother but with a 100% remote full-time job is equally hard (never mind the on-going pandemic and a 4-hurricane season). It is also endless (and yes, at times just as exhausting), it too frequently feels like failure at everything, but it is also frustrating in a way that I had never anticipated and have never felt before.
I want to work. I’ve always been that kind of a girl. The girl who knew she wanted to work, and who if and when she were to become a mother, would be a productive and contributing person to society by first and foremost being a great mom, but also by contributing additional work.
I think I’ve met this goal, and while putting the productive mothering contribution first is never a question nor does it ever become a sub priority, doing so is not without cost to myself. This is the unanticipated frustration.
Perhaps right now, the frustration stems mostly from the fact that my job is currently to learn and to do that as fast as I possibly can, but also in that I really like what I’m doing right now. I would get frustrated in my old job too, but it was different. I find now that all i really want to do is work on my projects & assignments, and when, for an extended period of time, i cannot because of my first priority, i get frustrated because I can’t do what I want to be doing. I have to set aside all my needs & desires to meet my first priority, because that one is endless and doesn’t turn off, and at times, there is in fact no way to balance the two or split them up: mother for one hour then meet my own needs for an hour and go back, because kids require 100%.
I’m trying to think of an example that would relate to this frustration, but there’s really not one. It’s not the same as having to do something that you don’t want to do before you are allowed to do the thing that you do want to do. It’s not the same because I do want to be a mother, i just don’t want to be mothering all the time, but sometimes that is what’s required. The only example that I can think of that is remotely similar is being pregnant, and the frustration with pregnancy is that there is no break. You cannot turn it off for a day or even an hour. You are pregnant for months—almost a year with no break. Being a mom with the kids at home is similar. There’s no break (i should also add that mine don’t really nap). I mean seriously, there’s only so much constant holding of the baby that you can do and there is truly only so much Blippi you can watch! With the latter, even once is too much—sorry Blippi, i know you mean well.
I have a finite amount of time each week that I can put toward working & learning, and this is different than before kids. Before kids, i had infinite time (except for sleep, which could be pushed to an extent) in which I could accomplish my goals. If i don’t finish during the week, i can finish on the weekend without costing anyone my time. Now, when I don’t finish my tasks I make every attempt to find non-existent ‘down time’ to work on them, but it’s frustrating when I cannot do it all.
Mothering is no doubt, a long term goal, and while, so is my career, it has more and finite short-term goals that could be accomplished with just one more hour of quiet—even just ten minutes.
My intent here is not to complain, and I realize that I’m writing about things to which within both my previous and current industries, the majority really cannot relate. I’m merely just expressing a new found frustration of life that is what it is, cannot be changed, and one for which, I would not for a moment change my life decisions, but that at times is just—frustrating.
That’s all.